Charlie.

Look, I love you with all my heart, and I always will. But the chance of us getting married, low. So I see us in the future....going to do something as friends. With your awesome husband who isn't allergic to Charlie, and my wife. I wouldn't mind being the awesome husband though. :)

Raven

She's been with us for something like 7 years...and it ends today. She was really great to have around, and I don't want her to go. But I guess if He wants it that way...at least I know there's a reason she has to leave. I'll miss her a lot. And I won't forget her.

Bliss

Ignorance is bliss...at least until you discover the thing you were busy being happily ignorant about is bad...

Happy birthday!!!!

A few different things happened today. I was welcomed into a group I barely knew. I managed to initiate once again. And we got to be us. In public. And I didn't care what anyone thought. I had a really great time today. I consider this, the best day of my life. At least, until I kiss you. :)

I love you Nancy.
Happy birthday.

You.

I want to be there for you. I want to support you. And I want to love you. Forever.

I don't understand what you're going through, so I won't pretend to. I do understand that I've made your life a whole lot more difficult, and I'm sorry. However, that doesn't mean I'm just gonna get up and leave you. I do love you Nancy. I care about how you're feeling, and I just want you to be happy with your life. Um.....I'd like to ask you a favor. Actually, two favors. 1. Don't lie to your mom about me. I don't want something small, like a phone call tearing us apart. 2. Tell me if I'm making your life too difficult. I'll back off (not leave you) for a while, and you can live the life you had before me.

I just want you to be happy Nancy.

I'll always love you.

I wonder...

Have you ever wondered what it would be like to be in an accident? I have. A few times. I've wondered what it would be like if I just decided to drive off the freeway into the cement barriers on the side....I wonder what the end result would be. Would I die? Would I be paralyzed? Would i lose my legs? I'd never act upon these thoughts, they're just kinda there, milling around With all my other strange thoughts.

Media.

I find it kind of ironic that everyone looks to us for guidance in class, but in an hour, we get one shot and about 58 minutes of bloopers. :)

Us.

So there was quite a leap in our relationship yesterday. Not even one date, and we're already married. :)

Faith...

I've been reading. And thinking. And praying. I'm starting to notice something. When I pray now, I actually feel like someone's listening. I'm starting to feel like He's listening to me when I pray for my family, my friends, and me. And I think maybe, I can trust Him. Maybe, I need Him more than I thought. And then I pray some more. And...I can honestly say...those maybes, shouldn't be there. I read of person after person in Matthew, all of whom believed, and received. They had no real proof of the wonders of Christ. And yet they believed with all they had. They were right to believe, and they knew this as they saw Christ heal the sick, the blind, and even the dead. Christ...died. For us. He gave up his life, so that we could live ours. I can't say he'd be proud of me so far. I want to change that. I want to be what I was meant to be. I don't want to waste the life I've been so graciously given anymore. It's time for a change.

On a side note, thank you Nancy. You gave me the push I needed to get back into it. You know, the only reason I never got baptized, was because I never really devoted myself completely to Christ. That, is changing. Slowly, but surely. Good news is, I have a real story for when I do get baptized. And it will be the complete truth. So...thanks again. At first, I thought I was doing this for you, for us, but It's for me now. I need Him, and I want Him.

(Love you)

Just Thinkin 'bout you.

(This is just what popped into my head while I was staring at a screen (like usual) )

It's times like these I realize how lucky I am to have you. Not because I have someone who loves me back, but because that someone is you. You're amazing in so many ways.

I regret not kissing you.

I do believe we go quite well together. And I realize that I will have to become more confident in my choices, because you won't be happy choosing our dates every single time.

Our cuteness level is pretty high. Especially in that awesome video you made.

I hope we can go to a family gathering together one day. :)

I can't say I love you enough to express how I really feel about you. But I can try. (with no copy pasting)

I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you (my fingers are tired already) I love you I love you I love you I love you (itchy shoulder) I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you rawr I love you I love you I love you I love u I luv u I luv you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you Ryan Mock loves Nancy Le I love you I love you I love you I love you I lobe you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you I love you. If I counted right, that's 50. Still not enough, but my fingers are sore.

I love you. (51)

That is all. <3

Fears.

I suppose in exchange for taking away my fear of physical contact, I've been given an add-on to my fear that I'm wrong. And then you come along and say "I want you to." you change everything. I love you, and I want the world to know, whether they believe me or not.

Awesome

Just like macaroni and cheese. I'll be the macaroni. You can be the cheese. :P

Omegle

It's an odd site. It can be fun, or annoying, or saddening.

Recently, I met Delaney. A 16 year old girl from the U.S., who is bulimic. All because two guys called her "fat and stubby" in grade 8. Every meal that goes down, comes back up. She said she's tried to stop before, and it just hasn't worked. This time, she'll be eating something, anything from a grape to a bowl of pasta, every Wednesday for lunch. It's the one and only meal she's not allowed to throw up. Who knows, maybe it'll work, maybe it won't. I'll just hope for the best...

How I dislike the children today.

Wow.

Today was...perfect. It was us, together. It was just such a good day. When she mouthed those words, as I was mouthing them back, I felt like crying. In that moment, I felt the love. I knew she loved me and I knew 100% that I loved her. I can't even describe how I feel right now. It's just amazing seeing what we have...

Dancing

I can't now, but I get to learn!!! :D

42.

Okay, Look...here's the deal. I, Ryan Mock, have some very, very, strong feelings for you. You are extremely important to me, and if I lost you, well, that'd be the biggest mistake of my life, And it'd be something I'd have to deal with. You're everything I need. The only way I can really describe it, is that I love you. Not because you're beautiful, (which you are, believe it or not), but because you're you.

So...i love you Nancy Le. Forever and ever. No matter what happens. Deserving or not, I want this. I want us.

Here's the thing...

I'd gladly walk aimlessly through the stores with you. No matter how long you decided to stay.

Swimsh.

Another relatively successful day. :)

Swimmin, swimmin, swimmin

I tried to initiate today. With mild success. But hey, it's a Start. :)

You asked, I answered

Nancy LE. I, Ryan Mock, love you more than anything. More than any possession, more than any activity, more than any movie or tv show, more than any memory. More. Than. Anything.

Teams + confessions

If I had to take sides, I'd choose you over her. No question about it.

Oh and, I might just try and explain why we act how we act. Today.

Argh.

She keeps asking. About you, about us. The thing is, I don't want her involved at all. I just want her to stop asking questions. But I can't say that to her...I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Swimmin'

Some people love swim meets, some hate them. I love them. 100%. L O V E them. Not because I occasionally get a good time, or make it to finals, but because I get to spend so much time with her. I feel so comfortable with her. Compared to swimming 5 days a week, where I'll barely talk to her, swim meets are amazing.

Oh. One more thing i noticed. When she smiles...I can't even describe it. Just knowing she's happy gives me a good feeling, but when you realize she's smiling AT YOU...overjoyed. That's the only word that really seems to come close to describing how she makes you feel.

And of all people, she wants me. Why? How should I know! But I know, I'm not gonna complain. :D

I love you. Forever.

Day 3 of 14

Today's plan was about Christ's love for us. It mainly focused on a prayer from Christ to God.

It showed me that we really are cared about. That we do matter to Him. Each and every one of us. Even me.

Faith (mine in particular) revisit

So i went on my iWhatever like always, and I went looking for something. A bible. I found a good one, and got lucky. There are things called "plans", on it. They require you to read a certain amount each day. so right now I'm doing "deep dive." 14 days. I figure it'll keep me reading, and when I finish that there's always the 2 week, 2 month, or even year long ones I can start. I know it won't fix my problems with my faith right away, but I see it as one of many rungs on the ladder. I'd like to make it to the top, or as close as possible.

Faith. (mine, in particular)

I hate my spirituality. It's barely even there anymore. I lie to all these people, saying I'm a Christian. But that means so much more than "I go to church." it's one big, fat, fucking, lie. I'm not a Christian. I hate to say this, but I don't know how to believe it anymore... I used to absorb it...now it just beads up and drips off, like water on a duck. I go to church because they want me to play drums! That's all. I'm lost. And I don't know if He'll ever find me. Or if He even wants to find me. I'm sorry, to everyone I lied to. Especially you. If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we’re obviously lying through our teeth—we’re not living what we claim. (1 1:6 MSG)

Change of heart

I've been a bit of a pessimist in the past. About me, about relationships, about a few different things. Not anymore. I've done a lot of thinking, and my life is amazing. Boring, but amazing. I'm converting from pessimism to optimism. I think I'm going to begin having a happier, better life. I have one person to thank. Nancy. You've shown me the good in my life I couldn't see before, the ups where I saw downs. Everybody already knows, whose left to fear? I like that idea, of not being scared anymore. Of being able to be happy with you, in public. And yes, it's definitely getting easier with every word. I love you.

Poem.

Nancy's poem. Here goes... There once was a girl named Nancy, Who everyone thought was quite fancy, She was quite a good cook, Passed the courses she took, And was even a little bit dancy. Fail. :P

Birthday. Party.

Birthday parties are meant to be fun for everyone. So what do you do when you don't know anyone? In my case, stand in the corner silently, and be happy when people start talking to you. It was fun. It was happy. I left, disappointed. Not in the party, not in the host, not in the other guests, but me. Sure, I talked to you. Sure, you hugged me. Where was my love for you? Standing in a corner silently, hoping to go unnoticed. Why?? There were a group of awesome people around, and it just hid itself. And I let it hide. You know the feeling you get when you realize all the strangers are really fun and nice, and you never had to worry in the first place? I got that on the outer layer, but inside, I was still shut tight. I don't know why I'm so worried about keeping it hidden around strangers. I'm so, so sorry. I know it's stupid, and it has to stop.

Best song ever

Gimme All The Garlic Bread In The World Nancy! - in the style of Abba I was sick and tired of everything, When I called you last night from my house. All I do is vacuum and empty the dishwasher and put away my laundry, Wishing I was Bill Gates. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme all the garlic bread in the world! Won't somebody help me own a Transformer! Gimme! Gimme! Gimme all the garlic bread in the world! I really want to own a Transformer! Nancy, I was defeated, you won the war. Nancy, promise to love me forever more. Nancy, couldn't escape if I wanted to. Nancy, knowing my fate is to be with you. Noooooo-noooooo-noooooo-noooooo-noooooo Nancy! Finally facing Nancy. You are the sleeping director, here in my house. Sleeping director, feel the beat from the tambourine. You can own a Transformer, you can own a Transformer, having the time of your life. Gimme! Gimme! Gimme! all the garlic bread in the world, Won't somebody help me own a Transformer!

Insert title here

Every time I tell you I'm trying. It's true. I'm trying to convince the scared side of me to go away. And if it was only that simple. He's a very stubborn one. I tell him that if I'm in love with you, I should be able to handle these simple little things. He thinks about it, then he backs off, and I have my way. Until the time for action arrives, then he jumps back in control like it'll be the end if I do whatever I was planning. I ask him why, and he just says, "what if you're wrong, what if it makes her hate you, do you really wanna risk that?" And I know he's wrong, I know if I screw up, you won't totally hate me (I think). Yet somehow, he's very convincing. I regret it every time I let him win. And it sucks. I can't stand being this useless, and I can't stand being me. Somedays I just wish I could switch personalities with someone. I think you'd like me better that way. I know I would.

Love

Some have it, some don't. Some deserve it, some don't. I know where I fit in there. Maybe I'll move up one someday, maybe I won't. Who knows. All I know is, this girl is amazing. She's everything you could ever ask for, bundled into a beautiful package. I can't even begin to describe how I feel when she looks at me, even for just a second. Knowing that she actually feels the same way about me, gives me some hope that life can in fact get better than this. Now I understand, that sometimes you have to wait, if you want the best. And I'm perfectly willing to. I just hope that she understands how much I care about her, despite my problems (which I have a lot of). I can't show her because it scares me. I'm afraid that I'll do something wrong, and she won't accept it. It's a stupid, irrational fear, and I know it. Last thing I wanted to say is, I am trying. So I'm sorry for everything I've done wrong. I'll always love you. No matter what happens in life.

Believe it or not...

I really do miss you, and I really do love you. I promise you, I'll do whatever it takes to make this work. Love.

Want you to know...

...I'm yours. No girl in the world is going to come between us. I'll miss you A LOT. I really do love you with all I've got.

prison break

Let me sleep!!!

Well.

Life's good.

Snow

It snowed.


MMMM

Where we are.

You may be happy with where we are, but I'm not. Actually, I'm just not happy with where I am in this. It's kind of weird...you just...silence me...

I'm sorry I don't have the best communication skills, but trust me, I'm trying.


MMMM