Here's the thing...

I'd gladly walk aimlessly through the stores with you. No matter how long you decided to stay.

Swimsh.

Another relatively successful day. :)

Swimmin, swimmin, swimmin

I tried to initiate today. With mild success. But hey, it's a Start. :)

You asked, I answered

Nancy LE. I, Ryan Mock, love you more than anything. More than any possession, more than any activity, more than any movie or tv show, more than any memory. More. Than. Anything.

Teams + confessions

If I had to take sides, I'd choose you over her. No question about it.

Oh and, I might just try and explain why we act how we act. Today.

Argh.

She keeps asking. About you, about us. The thing is, I don't want her involved at all. I just want her to stop asking questions. But I can't say that to her...I don't want to hurt her feelings.

Swimmin'

Some people love swim meets, some hate them. I love them. 100%. L O V E them. Not because I occasionally get a good time, or make it to finals, but because I get to spend so much time with her. I feel so comfortable with her. Compared to swimming 5 days a week, where I'll barely talk to her, swim meets are amazing.

Oh. One more thing i noticed. When she smiles...I can't even describe it. Just knowing she's happy gives me a good feeling, but when you realize she's smiling AT YOU...overjoyed. That's the only word that really seems to come close to describing how she makes you feel.

And of all people, she wants me. Why? How should I know! But I know, I'm not gonna complain. :D

I love you. Forever.

Day 3 of 14

Today's plan was about Christ's love for us. It mainly focused on a prayer from Christ to God.

It showed me that we really are cared about. That we do matter to Him. Each and every one of us. Even me.

Faith (mine in particular) revisit

So i went on my iWhatever like always, and I went looking for something. A bible. I found a good one, and got lucky. There are things called "plans", on it. They require you to read a certain amount each day. so right now I'm doing "deep dive." 14 days. I figure it'll keep me reading, and when I finish that there's always the 2 week, 2 month, or even year long ones I can start. I know it won't fix my problems with my faith right away, but I see it as one of many rungs on the ladder. I'd like to make it to the top, or as close as possible.

Faith. (mine, in particular)

I hate my spirituality. It's barely even there anymore. I lie to all these people, saying I'm a Christian. But that means so much more than "I go to church." it's one big, fat, fucking, lie. I'm not a Christian. I hate to say this, but I don't know how to believe it anymore... I used to absorb it...now it just beads up and drips off, like water on a duck. I go to church because they want me to play drums! That's all. I'm lost. And I don't know if He'll ever find me. Or if He even wants to find me. I'm sorry, to everyone I lied to. Especially you. If we claim that we experience a shared life with him and continue to stumble around in the dark, we’re obviously lying through our teeth—we’re not living what we claim. (1 1:6 MSG)

Change of heart

I've been a bit of a pessimist in the past. About me, about relationships, about a few different things. Not anymore. I've done a lot of thinking, and my life is amazing. Boring, but amazing. I'm converting from pessimism to optimism. I think I'm going to begin having a happier, better life. I have one person to thank. Nancy. You've shown me the good in my life I couldn't see before, the ups where I saw downs. Everybody already knows, whose left to fear? I like that idea, of not being scared anymore. Of being able to be happy with you, in public. And yes, it's definitely getting easier with every word. I love you.

Poem.

Nancy's poem. Here goes... There once was a girl named Nancy, Who everyone thought was quite fancy, She was quite a good cook, Passed the courses she took, And was even a little bit dancy. Fail. :P